O</font>NE HUNDRED YEARS BEFORE</font> any of the previously described events took place, a man named Dr. Professor "Percy" Wallett discovered that plants could talk. He invented a device that could not only detect communicatory waves emitted by plants (unimaginatively titled P-Waves), but translated them into something that we could hear and understand. This led to the discovery that plants were actually fairly witty (geraniums and wheat especially) and, more importantly, that they were capable of experiencing pain. Needless to say, this turned the world of veganism on its ear. It also lead to the promotion of several stand up comic vegetables; though jokes about the difference between oranges and plantains wore on the public pretty quickly.

The following is an excerpt from the speech given by Dr. Professor "Percy" Wallett during the presentation of his device for translating P-Waves, (also unimaginatively named) the P-Wave Translator:

"My research has conclusively proven that the only difference between eating a plant and eating an animal is that plants are easier to catch and their screams are harder to hear when you kill them. So all you vegans can fucking suck it with a tasty groove. Peace, I'm out."

Dr. Professor "Percy" Wallett was never seen again, but rumors say that he still lives atop a mountain in the far east and is very old and very smug.

In a brilliant show of defiance, vegans worldwide simply agreed that they would remove all plants and vegetables from their diet. With animals and vegetables excluded from their diets, vegans attempted to survive on the consumption of only minerals. Dentists lived like kings and the vegan population was greatly diminished as hundreds of thousands of people choked to death on rocks. The indie music scene faltered and marijuana trade dropped to unprecedented low. Many vegans, in an attempt to not let their hunger get to them, labeled themselves Starvecore, a trend which was stupid and shortlived, like the people who took part in it.

Many vegans were so incredibly fed up with the futile exercize of attempting to find something to eat that was not capable of experiencing the pain involved in being eaten that they completely reversed their moral structure and became Hyper Omnivores. For a Hyper Omnivore, it is not only morally acceptable for a person to eat anything he or she wants, it is morally required. In fact, a Hyper Omnivore finds it morally reprehensible to turn away anything that is placed in front of them as food. As you may expect, this made Hyper Omnivores especially fun to have at parties.

Other vegans came to the conclusion that the only thing a human being had the right to eat was him or herself. Excercizing slightly more imagination that Dr. Wallet and slightly less wit than a stalk of corn, the people who practiced self-cannibalism dubbed themselves Me-gans. The worst part of being a Me-gan, aside from the blinding pain of extracting meat without losing enough blood to lose consciousness, was the fact that only so much meat could be harvested from oneself and it took exceptionally long to grow back, especially without any supplemental food intake. This fact, along with the difficulty involved in sitting down after enjoying a nice rump roast, resulted in many Me-gans converting to Hyper Omnivores (or, as they were subsequently referred to, You-gans).

Gee, the Sharpei of Peace, was awoken one morning by the furious squawking of the wall of his house. He poked his head out to see that a small wooden raft had been pulled up onto the back of Leviathan. Upon further investigation, Gee found a man chewing on the side of his seaweed lattice and seagull igloo. He then went back inside and went back to sleep because he was in no mood to deal with a Hyper Omnivore.

F</font>ROM THE BACK OF A LEVIATHAN,</font> the sea air is cool and fresh but Gee the Sharpei of Peace is cold and smells sort of funny. The abrupt nature of his voyage has left him without sufficient supplies for hygiene or warmth. Not to mention that the only type of food he has on his person is a small box of strawberry flavoured throat lozenges and several pounds of meat, though he isn't willing to cut the latter off of his haunches.

Luckily, he has a plan.

Gee pulls a loose thread from the cuff of a pant leg and unravels just enough to use as a makeshift sling. Using this sling, he hurls the strawberry flavoured throat lozenges at the seagulls that fly overhead. He goes through three quarters of the box before he brings down a bird. Gee grabs the felled seagull by its talons and smacks its head once against the back of the leviathan. He poses the question:

"Do you know who you are?"

And the bird responds with harsh squawking. He repeats the process.

"Do you know who you are?"

Again, the bird prates in protest. This goes on for several hours until finally:

"Do you know who you are?"

The seagull gives Gee only a confused stare and a shrug of its wings. Gee has succeeded in giving the seagull amnesia. He then proceeds to recondition the seagull to believe that it is actually a friendly porpoise trained to gather seaweed for him. Gee sends the disoriented bird on its way and within no time, the young man has enough salvaged seaweed to fashion for himself a rope with which he is able to lasso more seagulls. Each seagull he catches he trains in the same way until he has collected enough seaweed to satisfy the conditions of his scheme.

He begins weaving the seaweed into a lattice with his right hand and lassoing more seagulls with his left. He pauses every few moments to take a lassoed seagull and weave it into the lattice. Three day of strenuous labor later, he had weaved himself a home - a small igloo made of seaweed lattice and seagulls on the back of a leviathan.

Through similar means he made for himself a bed, a small table, a carpet, and a comfortable chair on which Gee could rest his weary body. His new home is warmed by the body heat generated by a thousand captive seagulls and the Sharpei of Peace never feels alone; he is accompanied by the rush of the waves and the perpetual squawking.

Gee is still fairly hungry, but he can't bring himself to eat any of the seagulls, especially considering all the good they had done for him. Instead, he keeps a single seagull foraging for seaweed on which he can feast. Unfortunately, whenever he attempts to eat a piece, he loses it amidst the seaweed lattice of his seagull table.

Gee decides that he would do well to lose a little weight anyway.

S</font>OMEWHERE THERE IS A PARK,</font> and this park is green. Green with grass, green with leaves, green with plastic playground equipment, and green with children wearing green short pants and eating green popsicles. Here there is a commotion and a crowd, a thriving mass of people surround a pear tree, at the base of which sits a young man.

He is somber and sullen though the crowd shouts questions at him. He sits indian-style, with is hands folded in his lap, and he states his answers. He doesn't think about the questions he is asked, he simply says the first thing that comes to mind and it is always so, so right. Many have walked for miles to have their questions answered. He is irrevocably and unintentionally sage. This is not a life this young man has chosen, it was forced upon him. This is not the life he wants. He says, arbitrarily:

"Expect no more out of life than a cold shower and a handful of nickels."

Nearby a girl begins to sob uncontrollably. It is always obvious to the young man whose question he just answered.

"Thank you, Gee!" she squeaks between tears, "The wisdom of the Sharpei of Peace is unprecedented!"

With ever answer the crowd's excitement swells. Questions come faster now. He has finally reached his breaking point. Gee throws his arms over his head.

"Enough!" he shouts.

The force of his mighty yell blows through the crowd and sends bodies hurtling backward. With the mass riven, the young man flees toward the ocean. His followers scramble in pursuit, but their flabby limbs cannot flail quickly enough to keep chase. With a single bound, Gee dives into the waves and arises moments later on the back of a mighty leviathan. The people continue to shout questions though their voices cannot traverse the quickly widening breach.

As the coast disappears over the horizon, his muscles begin to relax and the Sharpei of Peace looks away, in search of a better world.